Becoming “Mom”

When you think of a mom you generally don’t visualize a nineteen year old college girl. You would see a middle aged, successful woman in a big house with a steady paycheck. You could see her hair and face perfectly made, her house perfectly clean, maybe even her children are perfectly behaved. Her husband helps with the house and the raising. She never worries about her children making the right friends, the right choices. You see someone who is not you.

At least that’s what I saw.

I first got pregnant at nineteen. I was selfish, conceited, and I was only worried about my college studies. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was a police officer… I could barely make ends meet to support myself… I had just lost on campus housing…
Okay I was worried about a lot. To avoid becoming homeless I married an Army man I thought I was madly in love with. I talked myself into it; told myself I could fix whatever problems we would run into. It wasn’t long after that I found out I was pregnant.

I slept through my pregnancy. Loss of employment, leaving school, and subsequent isolation lead to depression. Then my son was born, and overnight my priorities rearranged. I knew my marriage was over.

I gave the marriage three more months to see if becoming a father changed my husband. Turns out it only made him more withdrawn. My first change – Leaving an unhealthy relationship. So I did. I moved in with my mother, and got a job. My second change – building employment history. I couldn’t get a great job so I decided to go back to school. My third change – laying the foundation for a better future.

Over those several months I made smaller personality changes. I focused on my son, Brantley. He always came first no matter what the situation was. I missed class if he was sick, called out of work if he had a particularly rough day. Fortunately, my mom provided for us through this so I was able to be with him when he needed me.

Now I’ve rambled on long enough about the changes that I’ve made. My point was that a mom isn’t just that perfect dream. A mom can be any woman willing to take on the challenge of raising a child. She may have to make a few big changes, or many small changes to give her child the best version of her. That’s okay! It’s the best decision you could make. It has taken me almost two years to come to terms with my choice to be the best mom that I can be.