When you think of a mom you generally don’t visualize a nineteen year old college girl. You would see a middle aged, successful woman in a big house with a steady paycheck. You could see her hair and face perfectly made, her house perfectly clean, maybe even her children are perfectly behaved. Her husband helps with the house and the raising. She never worries about her children making the right friends, the right choices. You see someone who is not you.
At least that’s what I saw.
I first got pregnant at nineteen. I was selfish, conceited, and I was only worried about my college studies. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was a police officer… I could barely make ends meet to support myself… I had just lost on campus housing…
Okay I was worried about a lot. To avoid becoming homeless I married an Army man I thought I was madly in love with. I talked myself into it; told myself I could fix whatever problems we would run into. It wasn’t long after that I found out I was pregnant.
I slept through my pregnancy. Loss of employment, leaving school, and subsequent isolation lead to depression. Then my son was born, and overnight my priorities rearranged. I knew my marriage was over.
I gave the marriage three more months to see if becoming a father changed my husband. Turns out it only made him more withdrawn. My first change – Leaving an unhealthy relationship. So I did. I moved in with my mother, and got a job. My second change – building employment history. I couldn’t get a great job so I decided to go back to school. My third change – laying the foundation for a better future.
Over those several months I made smaller personality changes. I focused on my son, Brantley. He always came first no matter what the situation was. I missed class if he was sick, called out of work if he had a particularly rough day. Fortunately, my mom provided for us through this so I was able to be with him when he needed me.
Now I’ve rambled on long enough about the changes that I’ve made. My point was that a mom isn’t just that perfect dream. A mom can be any woman willing to take on the challenge of raising a child. She may have to make a few big changes, or many small changes to give her child the best version of her. That’s okay! It’s the best decision you could make. It has taken me almost two years to come to terms with my choice to be the best mom that I can be.
Adding a social life
One of the hardest things about being a mom of two under two is having a social life. I have just started trying to add one to my never ending to-do list.
Monday nights I go to Beer Yoga. It’s a great way to start my week! I definitely encourage adding gym time to your priorities; however, I know it’s not always feasible. This class is just an hour long, and includes social time and drinking.
Wednesday mornings I take my sons to playgroup. I know that a two year old doesn’t really understand group play just yet, at least mine doesn’t, but this is a great way to teach him. My three month old doesn’t get much out of it. I think it’s nice to see the other moms and trade our top secret parenting tricks.
I try to have a mom date every Friday. Last Friday, I did a girls night. Another mom and I went to the local Mexican restaurant and had drinks. It was so great to relax. This morning I have a coffee date.
It took me nine months to start these three activities. Don’t let it get you down if it takes more than a week to grow a social life. Being a mom means that non-parent people may not want to hang out with you, other parents will judge you, and everybody is watching your kid. Choose your friends wisely but don’t be too picky about activities away from your kids! You’ll never know what may peak your interest.
Am I ever going to satisfy my ambition?
Ambition. How do I satiate your appetite? Motivation. Where did you go? Time management. I’m sorry we had to break up. Child. Yes, I can play with you some more.
This is what I am struggling with. I am only 21 years old, but I have two sons that demand my attention. I have one semester left on my associate’s degree (community college first!) How do I juggle my family and my own goals?
Here’s the dilemma: women have the misfortune of assuming the second shift. Typically, but not always, working women come home and take care of the children, dinner, and the house. In comparison, men usually come home and relax for a while. This is present in some families not all. Women assume the shift because we have historically been responsible for raising children and cleaning the house. When women entered the work industry, we merely added an activity to our day. Or so it seems.
Even in this age of equality and change, women are still more likely to pull this second shift. Shout out to the dads that are killing the parenting game on their own!
This is true especially for student moms like myself. I have to find time to research, proofread, keep up with assignments for up to four classes, and potty train my toddler. Don’t even get me started on what my infant needs. Say I wake up early to do my schoolwork. Cool, my baby eats at 4 a.m. anyway! By the time we are done feeding/changing/rocking back to sleep, its 5:30. That leaves an hour and a half before he will want to eat again.
Thankfully, I have a husband that does his best to help me with the kids and takes care of them when I need to do school. He gets home at 3 p.m. That’s only two hours before dinner needs to be done. Not started. Done. How about after the toddler goes to bed? I need to go to bed early so I can get up at 1 a.m. to feed my infant. And the cycle goes on and on. My second shift is making time for school.
This amount of stress wreaks havoc on my emotional health, and sometimes on the health of my marriage. Don’t act so surprised! I am busy juggling and dropping all of my balls, so guess who doesn’t get laid? Both me and my husband. Thank god I decided to take a semester off!
Struggling with motivation to do schoolwork, or go to work is normal. The National Institute of Health recognizes how stressed mothers (and fathers) can be. These feelings of fatigue, and inadequacy are completely normal! And justified! I actually looked at the research. (Working Mothers: How much working, how much mothers, and where is the womanhood? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3151456/ )
So here is my plan. I am taking this fall semester off. During those six months I am going to get my infant on a schedule similar to his brother’s. I am going to potty train my toddler. I am going to set myself up to succeed in the spring. This blog is not going to end with an answer. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find this answer. I can only hope that by prioritizing my boys now, I’ll be able to prioritize my school later.
If anyone does have the answer, please share! For now, I can accept that I have to press pause for a short time.
From a Person to Mom 